some things never change.

well tonight was shitty. but before i vent i might as well tell you about the past couple of days and the plus side to things. tuesday i went with richy to wcc and ended up not finding anyone to talk to about the graphic design program but thats no biggy, i picked up a couple of brochures and eventually will sit down and investigate my future. yesterday i woke up with intentions of doing just that untill i got a call from liz saying she had an extra broadway musical ticket, so natuarlly i went. yesterday was super awsome. got to meet her mom who is super hilarious by the way. the show was amazing, 12 times better than the lion king [the only other musical ive seen on broadway]. we got to meet the guys from the show and it was one of thems last night so it was a big production with liz and all these other fan club people we really didnt know but had dinner with.lol. and we also met the real bob gaudio [ member and writer of "walk like a man" and other hits]. so over all awsome!!

but on the flip side tonight was the same old bull shit that makes me depressed about my life. god forbid i talk 'shit' about someone on her for some one might read it and get pissed but its not one person in perticular its everone and everything from my 'past' that erks me. ya know its always a drama thing with me. im so tired of being the bad guy in every situation. lately me family has been goign through some things so ive tried to be home and more around when im off from school, but lately its really biting me in the ass with my friends. i cant even get the effing time to tell them whats going on so when were together briefly i dont want to spill to them all my problems, thats one thing im trying to change about myself, and i just want to hav a good time but then stupid little bul shit happens and its just getting old fast. always throught my life ive alwys delt with petty drama. being in rye neck really limits you to finding the right type of friends, and with me not ever getting out much made me hav no choice to who i was friends wiht. i love my friends to death but theres a point when your like enough already. so basically whenever theres an issue its ALWAYS my fault. not really. most of the time it really wasnt just me, and alot of the times i really felt lik i did absolutely nothing wrong, but that never changed anything. so after me and my friends would get in a 'fight' i would hate not talking to them and i would hate the petty bull shit so i would be the bigger person and apologize. well thats the basics of it. and by the end of last year i was so over it and once school started ive tried to just be me [whatever that is] and not associate with people that im over. and lately my friends and i hav been rocky but im over it. and then petty shit, lik tonight when they all call to hang out and then ditch me basically, just makes me realize how much i really hate all of this. this town never changes, and it doesnt hav to but for people to talk about growing up really do little to show it. and then theres a bigger flipside that i just mgith be a winey paranoid bitch but im so tired of it. i literaly went out at 8:30 waiting for my friends to call me and i walked untill 10:00 by myself in the rain. it was good to be by myslef and do somethiking but then I call my friends and what do i get "ohh i was just gonna call you how about we hang tomarrow night" yep all ymfriends gave me a line like that. lik wtf wait untill the end of the night to ditch me. lik effing tell me before no that way i dont waste my time. im just sooooo over it. i think thats why i look foward to shows and seeing those people. its refreshing and i never had problems. i was listening to really good acoustic mix tonight and all i could do was cry to everything. lik when am i goign to find someone who truely gets me, when am i going to meet a guy that can just listen and get it, or give me a hug and make it all seem lik itll be okay. when do i get a version of the fairy tale bc you dont get time back all it does is keep goign and we all know that for every person time doesnt last forever. when do i get to live with understanding of happiness and love and friendship, when do i get to find myself making sense, so far 18 years just feels lik ive been living forever in lonelyness.

ugg. but the honest truth, im a very happy person, i just wish i could share that with someone.

<3333renee.