DEATH

not such a nice word. also, not such a nice thing. try saying ___________ is dead. doesnt sound as pleasent as saying _____________ has died. not sure why but i noticed that today when my sister got on the phone and said scott is dead. not scott passed away, or scott died, or whatever but "scott is dead, it doesnt even seem real." lik what little girl says shit lik that. well her words didnt settle with me well neither did the fact that scott was announced dead today. when mom and i were in the car today coming back from new hampshire, we got the call. i wasnt really sad at first because i wasnt around him as much as the rest of the family but it was still rather shocking, and of course i was worried about how my dad was holding up on account that its his friend. well things still arnt so great because were not sure how he died, somehow in his sleep but the question still is was it an overdoes. if it was that will make the matters worse, but he was supposovly clean and has a touch of namounia, which in one way or another could hav lead to vomiting, and thne choking, and so on.....none of it is pleasent. and i didnt cry. but i felt this feeling lik when your in high school and you get in trouble or fail a test and hav to get it signed by your parents, i dont know lik that heavy weight terrible feeling, except this time it was heavier. i dont know my sister was kind of right, it doesnt even seem real, but i guess it is.

mom booked it the rest of the way home to be with richy and i still went to the city. it was good to try and get the situation off my mind but i coulndt stop thinking about it all the way home. and then the whole 'promise of redemption' thing about losing someone close and everything shane was saying refering to dana just made me think about it even more, even though he wasnt my loved one like that he was still a friend of the family, and the rain/snow didnt help set the mood any better eaither.

it was also really ackward at the show. i ended up going by myself. i saw margot, vicky, simone, and ashley and other people and another girl i met at a valencia show, but i was still basically by myself. and i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me anymore but i hav become increasingly shy and i dont knwo why but everytime something comes up im to shy to talk or anything its rediculous. and because of it i didnt even say anythign to shane really. these girls were in front of me and then i got got off by more and then margot and others started to come over and i lik choked or somehitng bc all i did was ask him for a cd handed him the money and said "good stuff" and i said it so low i had to repeat myself bc he couldnt hear me. it was pathetic. im pathetic.

and i havent had time to obsorb everything lately and i started crying on the subway and the train on the way back home. im lik so depressed its retarted. i hav barely any friends, i dont talk to anyone, i can keep everythign bottled up all the time and its happening way to often that i hav episodes lik tongithwhere i start crying and cant stop. i hate my school but im doing good. i aprently hav an acedemic award thing, but i feel lik the school is so easy. i dont know. i just wish had more friends and more people to be around. im a sociable person and ive never felt this alone. my moms gone off the deep end, my little brother and sister are in there own demension, my dad is always tired or pissed off, and my dog is getting old and shes starting to ignore me when i call her. lik wtf i cant even get my own dog to listen to me.

and the ride to new hampshire yesterday was so rediculous. i thought mom and i were getting up early so we could go and come back and that way i would be able to go to the battle of the bands, well that didnt happen. it took forever to get to new hampshire. and my pepere kept insisting on buying us burgers and lik bbq ribs, and my mom kept telling him [expecially after he bought be a burger i was forced to eat] that i dont lik to eat meat anymore and he got upset that i didnt eat the ribs he still insisted he buy me. it was stupid. and then we delivered a thousand presents to people. then i went to bed. got up and we left pretty early and wen to the dollar store so i could get the leapard print comferter and then we started to come home, and then we got the call, then i freezed my ass of going to nyc, and then i was a shy bimbo infront of people and now i regret not telling shane how i feel aboutt he cd and the preformance and not im on my couch watching night at the musem.

hopefully this week will be better. i miss my life. i miss my friends. i miss happiness, i miss sheading a tear from time ot time, i miss scenes from a movie, i miss the good old days where i pretty much knew or was contnet with who i was, now i dont know anythign anymore, and it sucks. the end.

renee.