wow what a week

well is technically hasnt even been a full week.

it all started monday on my way home from matts house. i have never cried to the point where i barley could drive. i was just so upset and needed to get a whole bunch of thoughts off my chest and i didnt really get to do it over the weekend with matt, mainly bc i waited to the last mintue to talk to him, and bc i threw alot of info his way without giving him time to think it all over.
thats pretty much how the entire weekend went.
honestly thinks were escalated form me wanting to talk to my mother to her scheduling an immedate therapist appointment. it was rediculous. first of all, i didnt want to see a shirnk i wanted to talk to my mother, and the one time i actaully go to her to talk abotu something she ships me off to tell a complete stranger my problems. anyway, that nite i ened up talking to my parents anyway about everything, and basically it was me looking into taking time off of school, moving to nh with matt, try out the living situations and paying rent, and car insurance, and gas, and food, and health insurance, and medical insrance, and all the other bullshit that is required as an adult. idk i was very overwhelmed and lost all at the same time and i did alot of research throughout the week and such and basically as of rite now, or lasy nite, ill be going to wcc this semester and in the mean time i need to look up suny schools and prices and compare that to the cost of all the bills and the manchester community college and then next semester eaither transferr to nh living with family memebers (or not matt) OR go to some school in ny. its all rediculous but at least i hav more than a week to figure out the next few years of my life. i mean i was upset the most bc my parents were thinking i was making all the desicions based upon my relationship with matt, and naturally they were not happy with that, and i mean of course he had something to do with why i picked nh and such but hes not the ultimate desions in my education. but at this point it doesnt even matter what i say bc my parents will think what they want, and they certainly are acting as if they want matt and i to fail, which just wont happen. were deff going to hav our ups and downs but in the end i no hes the one for me. i dont want to sound petty or cliche but i hav never had feelings so strong and, even a dictionary full of words or a bucket full of tears could even describe the way i feel for him. its thw best and the worst all at once. life has just seemed so unclear. im just going to try my very best to keep a positive attitude toward it all. and hopfully next semester ill be in nh going to manchester, weather i live with matt or not isnt the point. its just finishing my education and getting up and out at this point is what im worried about. i want to be able to move foward with my life as soon as possible. not that im in a rush to grow up, old and die, im just ready to start living MY life. i mean maybe all those thoughts were too soon to take action, but at leats the thoughts are out in the open and can be tossed around. its like ive said before im 19, at the end of the day i can do whatever the hell i want, BUT if something did ever happen, my parents wouldnt support me if i did things out of spite, so to speak.
well anyway i gotta go to see the therapist. hopefully that whore doesnt want me to come to another session. but my parents are convinced im suffering from depression, so we shall see. im just another looney in the world. see what you got yourself into matt. lol
jk, love you baby.
ok well off i goooooo.

<3333
renee