july twnety nineth twothousand eight

i feel lik im living in a bipolar world.
one second everything is ohh ya good, happy, blah blah
and the next mintue its lik suicide

i cant fucken keep up.
everything startes getting out control and i become a physco bitch.
seriously i cant even talk to ppl anymore without being a complete bitch or being rude
i dont even know why. i hate ppl lik that. i worked on changing that about myslef and now im falling right back in the habbit of it.

i feel so bad i was so mean to matt on the phone last nite and it was bc of my stress and anger and whatever else that was bothering me, and i took it out on him. i mean i was telling him how i felt about a situation but i should hav handeled it way better than that. minus girlfriend points from me on that one. i felt lik shit when i went to bed, i felt lik shit all day and now i just dont even know. i wish i could just be numb from the world. sit me down with a bottle of vodka and call it a day.

what the hell is the point of living if your not happy. i was thinking and its been more than once now, how a year or two ago when i was in 'becoming a fashion desiner' mode, i used to 'make fun' of ppl or make comments to myslef, not understanding certain ppl i saw, and certain ppl in the world and so on and so forth. i didnt understand why anyone could live the way they do, or why they would want to live that way, or how come they didnt care thats the way the were, and dont they care what ppl think and blah blah. but now i get that those ppl are the greatest in life. despite what simple minded bitches like me thought of them, they were still happy. whoever they were and whatever they did, it worked for them. it made them happy, and thats all that mattered. i dont understand how i conformed to the simplicity of our social system and how i have this mind set to go by what ppl think and what not. i mean im talking about deep serious long life term shit rite now, not stupid things lik my cloths and simple things lik that, bc most days i llok lik a wreck and i dont give a shit. its more of what i choose to do with my life, what im doing now, how itll make my family look, what theyll think of the situation, and blah blha it goes deeper than that but thats just the basic example. i realized that as long as i do what makes me happy then thats all that matters. i know there are certain guidelines to life, but other than that i dont get what is stoping me from taking control. i mean i know for me personally that my familys opinion matters, but only to a certain extent. i mean im an adult and technically i hav the full rite to do what i want and they cant stop me. im not talking about being crazy and wanting to do all these rebellious things, it just may not be the traditional graduate high school go to a 4 year college, etc. life stlye. i may bounce around from here to there but if its what i want to do and its my choice i dont see whats stoping me. i know it s a mind set thing but soon, and now ive been working at pushing forth for what i want and standing up for myslef and fighting for what i believe in. and i know i wrote a blog on a mid version of this but since that last blog i realized its way easier said than done.
so my new goals are just that. 'doing things that i wanna do' bc its my life, etc......
and getting back on the wagon of not being such a bitch and taking my problems out on ppl, expecially the ones i care most about, bc thats just fucked up and thats not the type of person i wanna be.
so folks, thats what im leaving you with today.
much love. peace and humptyness forever,

renee
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